Gayle's Blog

I bought a plain white plate today.  I have written all over it on both sides with a black permanent marker.  What did I write?  All the things from 2007 and before that I am ready to be done with as of 2008!  Including, of course, 2007!  It includes specific people, groups of people, disease and a variety of conditions and emotions. 

Tomorrow I will buy another one and I will write on it with pink permanent marker.  It will have specific people as well as groups of people, emotions and conditions.  It will be my affirmation plate for 2008 and I shall hang it in a prominent place in my home to remind me.

Tomorrow at midnight, the stroke of the new year, I shall venture into the street, hammer in hand, and smash the heck out of 2007 plate, sweep it up, tie it in a bag, and throw it in the dumpster.  I am ready to be done with everything on that plate. 

2008 shall be a very good year!!! 

O.K.  there is about 48 hours left of 2007.  I know that I should be nostalgic or something; feel aloss, some grief.  I don't.  I have never been so glad to be done with a year as I have this one.  Alleleuhah.  I will scream, clang, blow horns and in general be overjoyed to start a new year, a clean slate and for the first time in forever I feel really ready.  I know that there have been some bright spots throughout this past year but for the life of me I can't think of many besides getting the poos. Without hesitation I would say that this year has been the worst year that I have experienced in all areas of my life in my adult life.  I know that I must have made bad choices to get the results that I got, but, I have learned and I am ready and welcome the new year.  Come on down 2008, let the games begin!!!

I have received a great deal of support from people in this community.  I wnted of course to wish everyone a very Happy New Year but somehow it is more.  We can't always be happy, but, we can always grow and learn and become more of ourselves than before.  I wish for each and everyone of you to discover more of yourself and get comfortable with it for the new year.  I wish you more confidence in yourself and more of a sense of defined purpose.  I wish you the ability to be in the present instead of pursuing fleeting objectives.  I wish you peace with yourself and thise that you love and I wish you the health to implement what you wish.  The new year is upon us and for once I feel ready.  I hope that your are too.

I have literally stripped the house.  There are exposed studs, exposed sub flooring throughout, rooms with no doors and holes cut out of the sheetrock.  There is a minmal amount of furniture and items throughout although the garage is loaded floor to ceiling at the moment.  I have tested paint colors on every angle in every room and am moving toward a monochromatic scheme with bold splashes of color strategically placed.  I am also thinking in new paradigms.  Self constructed, over the top fountain behind the sofa built into the wall, self constructed corner fireplace that blends into the room seemlessly, angled doors and pocket doors replacing conventionl "doors in a row".  That is just for starters.  I have split pieces of bamboo that are thick and long on a table saw and plan to mount them on the wall to create a texture.  I have decided that this is my home and not for sale at the moment and convention be damned.  I am doing what feels right to my soul; creating a haven, a retreat and nurturing environment.  I don't care what the design trends are or the acceptable rooms and furniture, I am creating my space out of  basic 3/2 70's rancher and I will do it exceptionlly.  I already feel that this has become a transforming nd spiritual experience.  I want real and natural materials.  I wnt real wter and real wood nd real slate and granite and silk and cotton and porcelain;  nothing modern fake, plastic or faux.  I want solid, of the earth feel good things surrounding me and space concessions also be damned.  We will build an addition tht includes huge walk-in closet, huge master bath that opens to sunroom with hot tub that opens to unconventional deck that runs expansively the length of the house on multi levels and the best part is that it will all be built by me or at my direction and design by the person wielding the hammer.  It is exciting and I know when I get this feeling in my gut that nothing will stop me until I KNOW THAT I AM DONE.  I believe in Feng Shui so I am utilizing those principals and will consult with an expert in the field.  I need, I deserve and I gift myself a healing and nurturing space.  That is 2008 for me and I will certainly keep all posted on the journey.  I am filled with excitement about this!

It has been raining hard all day and a white poodle does not do well in that kind of mud.  The poos have been in most of the day and now they are in their crates for the night and if the white girl, Sagitta, doesn't stop barking and be quiet for the night I am not sure that I will not head for the nearest hotel.  Honestly, she is driving me crazy and has been barking non stop for at least 2 hours.  I am going to run away to a hotel or something.  I can't wait until tomorrow it is supposed to be dry and they can go out and play their little hearts out.  In the meantime, I am not sure that I will not be here tomorrow reporting that little missy has been de-barked or that I have run away permanently!  She is driving me crazzzzzzzy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I can't seem to escape the idea that I am entering another of life's phases; willingly or unwillingly.  Since I am not sure what this phase is all about I am not sure that I am willing, but, one thing is in focus clearly;  I am going willing or not.  Internally I still feel like a 30 something.  Biologically I am a 50's something and it is finally starting to ring in; I HAVE BECOME A SENIOR CITIZEN!!!  OH NO!!!!  I am not ready, I am not there, I am not really that.  I can stil do ......... you name it.  I haven't designed my future or done so many things that are  part of my plans.  Guess what?  I am HERE, like it or not and not at all in the shape that I envisioned.  What to do, what to do.  To resist is futile I know that even though my overwhelming urge is to kick and scream and fight all the way.  Grace? I think it is more like being worn down and worn out.  every day I decide if and how I will participate and I will be meditating on this during the weekend and over the holiday.  Somehow I like a lot of what I see emerging, however, I do not like a lot of the rest.  I will write again after I have gained more focus and insight for those of you that are interested.  It helps me to write it out.  To share and to gain focus.  It cements things that I already know.  Sort of like admitting that you are an alcoholic before you can begin to heal.  So, goodnight, until the next chapter.

On Christmas Eve, Marilyn and I just snuggled in the bedroom all cozy and watched TV>  I found a very interesting program on Discovery about a wolf program and decided to watch it.  It was a very in depth and detailed show with lots of footage of the wolf pack.  All of a sudden I heard Marilyn howl at the same time that the wolves were doing it on TV.  It cracked me up but she was far from done.  She walked up and stared at the flat screen mounted on the wall as if to challenge it.  She looked back at me briefly for reassurrance and then sat front and center on the floor and began watching intently.  She reminded me of a 3 yo whose favorite cartoons had just come on.  Well she growled, and she paced and she sat and she howled, but, that little turkey watched the entire program attentively.  It just so amazed me and when it ws over she was back ready to play with me again.  This little one is just so uncanny.  She seems to have a dimension to her that moves beyond canine.

Hello all.  I truly hope that you had a wonderful Christmas and are looking foward to celebrating a great start to the New Year.  I did in fact have a very quiet Christmas but it is how I wished it to be.  This year just didn't feel like the usual for me for a number of reasons.  I want to take this opportunity to thank the many that have sent me good wishes, encouragement and inspiration.  I have even gotten correspondence by US mail as well as posts and emails. I deeply value the people in this community and the very fact that such a community exists.  I hope that I can touch and enhance someone's life here as many have touched mine.  For those of you that have asked me to keep you updated I thought that now ws a good time.  Last Fri. I woke up and couldn't walk again.  Thank goodness that I hd some oral Prednisone left over and I loaded up and by 5 p.m. I was fine again.  None the less I don't like it and I won't live this way.  Since then I have tried to get back to "normal" for me but I just can't seem to get there.  I feel out of touch somehow and indifferent to things that are usually serious matters.  I feel as though I am just kind of floqating through each day.  I started detoxing from all meds 3 days ago.  I have got to find me again.  I hurt some and After mild exertion I walk rather funny but I am determined to reclaim my mental status then deal with the residual physicl symptoms.  Anyway, I can't say that I am unhappy, but, I sure am not thrilled by what is going on.  I feel as if I am in a see-saw battle for my life as I've known it.  So, I will keep plugging and keep you all updated.  I can't seem to escape this feeling that I am evolving to a new level of insight, understnding and acceptance.  Can't be sure yat.  That's it from this corner tonight.

I'd like to report that it has been a quiet evening, and it was, kind of.  If you don't count the firecrackers, bottlerockets and whizzers flying through the air for several hours.  It seems that neighbors of mine have a much different idea of how to spend Christmas Eve than I do.  Perhaps they mistakenly believe that it is New Year's or the Fourth of July.  All of that aside, Marilyn and I have spent a very quiet, good eating night watching Tv about Nostradamus and Edgar Cayce.  She is by far, the best Christmas gift that I could ever possibly wish for and she is truly a gift that keeps on giving.  She is a darling little girl and truly a blessing in my life at this time.  Now, for a silent night, what there is left of it! 

Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house were bags from Lowes, Home Depot and such.  Pieces of tile and grout gone amuck.  The cardboard boxes from packing were strewn, here and there and used as an architects plan.  I fussed and I fumed, but, all to no avail.  I am tired of cleaning up mess I declared!!!  Then all of a sudden, like a flash of great smarts, Marilyn my Diva came to my mind.  I ran to the crate with my feet all a flutter and released her to the hall with encouraging chatter.  She ran down the hall and into the den and announced with her bark that this day had come to an end.  The man who was working protested her barks but soon thereafter departed these parts.  Ahh.  So now I am here with the dishwasher running along with my swifter and vacuums galore.  Maybe by 5, in time for St. Nick, I'll get all this rumble, debris and the like, picked up and confined and a shower for me.  Just to sit with my flock in the glare of the TV and BE  ---- Merry Christmas all!!!